I’ve been in Hawaii for a little over 2 weeks now and I’m really loving being back here. Still adjusting to everything and trying my best to get to know people on base. The January quarter is coming to an end and we will be welcoming our new students on the 4th of April, so in about 2 weeks! Im looking forward to see who and where all our students are from!
Okay so since I did say I will be making a monthly newsletter and the school hasn’t started yet, I thought I’d share about my baptism that I finally got around to doing before leaving. I don’t usually ever share about personal things but since baptism is a public declaration I thought it was quite fitting, especially because I’ve had so many ask me why I waited so long to do it, so here it goes!
I gave my life to Jesus when I was about 13-14 & during that time all my friends were getting baptized. I wanted to do it too, I wanted to ‘seal the deal’ but the thought of having everyone look at me while I dedicate myself was too scary to even think about. Yeah I know, it’s a dumb reason but it’s always been a fear- staring eyes. attention is not my favourite.
Anyhow, I started high school and went about my life. Every other Sunday Baptisms were announced at church and I’d always get a lump in my throat, I wanted to do it, I knew I had to do it but that same ridiculous fear would creep into my thoughts. My parents would ask when will I doit, why don’t you do it and id always answer with ‘i’ll do it next time’ but next time would never happen.
I didn’t have the best time in high school, and definitely made some bad life choices, which made me feel unfit and undeserving to get baptized (yes I know ridiculous thoughts). High school ended and I started my year in UPY and brought all those thoughts with me. I also didn’t have the best of times that year and got myself into a bit of a mess. At this point, the thought of being baptized was out the window. UPY finished and I was offered a scholarship to Fiji, but knowing where I was at spiritually and mentally I knew that it wasn’t the place for me to go, so instead I decided to do a DTS in Perth.
I left home with the expectation that my life would be changed completely, that DTS was going to make me that better person and it was there I wanted to get baptised. Except I left with unresolved issues, a disconnect with my family and a heart in the wrong place. I thought that going somewhere where no one knew my flaws, mistakes or bad decisions I would miraculously be better, and coming from such a good home I should have known better. But I didn’t. Anyway, I discovered a lot about myself, got out all the ugly and repented for it all the only problem was that I latched onto an unhealthy friendship that turned into an ugly relationship. My DTS ended and I went back home, I felt like I had grown spiritually and become more mature (Which I had in some ways) but I still had some things I hadn’t and didn’t want to deal with, like this unhealthy relationship.
It went on for a long time and I was pretty selfish about it. I didn’t realize how much it was hurting my family and friends. I didn’t even realize it was hurting people I didn’t think would care! I was oblivious and wanted to stay that way. I wasn’t me anymore, I pulled away from everyone and especially from God. I knew it was wrong but stayed regardless. I was afraid to leave, to say no and to be honest. I became unhealthy mentally and physically. I wouldn’t sleep for some days and I let myself sink into this dark hole. I never saw the light at the end of the tunnel, it was getting worse and I felt like I had no way out. I was stuck.
During this time I was getting myself ready to join the Film School (2017), everything seemed to be going right, then at the very last minute everything fell though. Finances, Visas, plane tickets… everything went wrong, I knew that it had something to do wth this relationship yet I still stayed in it. 2017 went by, I spent three months in Switzerland hoping I could run away from the chaos I had caused, but it only got worse. I came back home and I couldn’t do it anymore. I needed a way out but I was too afraid, I didn’t know what to do. I applied a second time for the film school and got accepted again but even then I knew in order for me to go I had to end this relationship. And then at the lowest of the lowest points of this relationship God let my parents intervene. I tell you it was definitely a God moment and it couldn’t have happened at any better moment. There was a lot of healing and confessing and crying and reconciliation. I had never felt closer to my parents and to God then in that moment. They helped me move on and cut ties, I was able to forgive and ask for forgiveness. I was free. I had me back. My family had me back and it was great. It was great to be me again.
As soon as all of this happened, everything for joining film school was going the right way. Beginning of 2018, I was on my way to film school- at this point I wanted to get baptized in Hawaii (i was romanticizing the idea more than wanting to do it). The school was happening and all thoughts of baptism were out the window. I was becoming a filmmaker and I loved it. I made some of the best friendships and was able to discover more about myself as I was learning more about others & towards the end of the school I knew that I was being called back to staff and continue in the Field of Film. I made my way home and applied for staff as soon as I could. I was home from Oct to end of Feb and in that time became so much closer to my parents and my sisters and I am so thankful I had that time with them.
On my second to last Sunday in Samoa, Pastor Isaiah briefly talked about the importance of baptism- ‘An act of obedience, a public declaration to follow Jesus, a move from death to life, gaining a new life and a blessed life’… I wanted a new life, I wanted to rid of my old life and move on with a new and blessed life. I was tired of being disobedient I mean how could I as staff lead another when I wasn’t living as God intended me to? And it was just in those few minutes that made me finally decide to do it. And on the 5th of March I finally got baptized- surrounded by my family and friends.
And that is the end of my very long story! Thanks for taking the time to read and for wanting to know about me. I hope that it spoke to you in some way or maybe you were able to relate. I know I’m definitely still growing and have so much to learn, but just know that you’re never too broken for God to fix, He’s still gonna want you broken or not. Don’t wait too long, its not worth it.